Doing the ELF with a husband: conversations with Ugandan co-workers about pizza dough, ultimate frisbee and who cleans the toilet

While walking to class at Mbarara University of Science and Technology (MUST) this morning, one of my colleagues drove by and said to me, "Good morning, Mrs. Sean, how are you?" Greeting me by my husband's name happens all the time here and has motivated many conversations at work and in the classroom about marriage and gender roles. In addition, this semester I was assigned to teach an undergraduate class called "Gender, Sexuality and Reproductive Health" - a subject which is completely outside my area of expertise, but which has proven to be a fascinating and timely topic in rural Uganda. When I first arrived and when they discovered I was married, most of my Ugandan co-workers and students assumed that I was here as a wife of an American male missionary or professor. When our new community found out that Sean and I came to Mbarara for me to be the English Language Fellow at MUST, they asked us lots of questions which have led to many more interesting discussions that still continue today.

 Before starting my fellowship, I assumed that I would talk about things like teaching methodology or upcoming conferences with my colleagues, but this has not been the case at all. My Ugandan office mates including the department dean, secretaries, lecturers and graduate teaching assistants want to talk about sex, marriage, and power dynamics in our relationships. It all started innocently enough with pizza dough. This year, since I'm working full-time, Sean manages the house and does all of the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning and laundry - activities which are extremely time-consuming where we live. One of his favorite dinners to make is homemade pizza and because I usually take leftovers for lunch and since there aren't any pizza places in town, my colleagues were immediately intrigued. "Where did you get that pizza?" they asked. "Did you make it?" When I said that Sean had made it the night before they were shocked, and their surprise led us to talk about who does what in our relationships and why that is. My (mostly female) group of colleagues are educated professionals the same age as me who also have at least three children and manage the house in addition to working full-time. All of them are married and about half of their husbands work. Where we live in Uganda, it is not common for men to work inside the home or care for children but as unemployment rises for men and more educated women join the workforce, juggling domestic duties and childcare with a career has become exhausting, frustrating and unsustainable for many wives. Sean is frequently in the office bringing lunch so we can eat together, collaborating with me on the next workshop and stopping by on his way back from the grocery store, loaded down with bags. Over the past few months, he's gotten to know the women in my office and it has been so cool to see their friendships develop. Sean is an anomaly here - he's a man that cooks, cleans and washes and is not afraid to talk about it. "Come on over," he says to my officemates. "I'll show you how to make pizza dough."

For me and Sean, our marriage has always been about being an equal and supportive partnership. Although he is also an English teacher, when I found out about my acceptance to the ELF Sean was the first to say that we had to do it. The system that works for us is the person who has the less demanding job handles more of the housework. As the spouse of an ELF, Sean is in charge of everything domestic, but he also volunteers and works with me on multiple projects. He co-teaches most of my classes with me and co-facilitates almost all of the workshops. The gender balance in education and leadership has been interesting because male and female students react to us differently and ask us different types of questions. In the gender class, it's particularly interesting and during one of our most recent co-taught sessions, one male student admitted his initial doubts. "When I first met Sean and learned that he did the job of a wife, I thought he had been bewitched by you. Even if we Ugandan men wanted to help our wives we would never admit it because we would get made fun of." I have been told that I have "bewitched" Sean more times that I can count by professors and students alike.

Although Sean is excited about the opportunity, being the spouse of an ELF can also be challenging. Though he keeps busy with volunteering and sports, he is not able to actively pursue his career goals or advance professionally to the extent that I am able to and this is difficult. My schedule and activities are always in the spotlight and he supports where we need to be and what we need to do. What has helped him stay happy and productive as the partner of an ELF is to cultivate his own circle of friends and activities and take some online certificate courses. Joining the Ugandan national ultimate Frisbee team has been a huge factor in Sean's enjoyment of the ELF experience and he's been able to practice with them every weekend and play in tournaments in Rwanda and Kenya. He also spends time each week working on online courses in outdoor educational leadership, which helps him stay current in his field. 

Something I always try to mention during my conversations in the office is that both of our roles are equally important and our partnership makes us more effective educators and better friends. Although doing the ELF with a partner invites some interesting and sensitive conversations, it also makes the experience a lot of fun! As we gear up for a second year of the ELF in Uganda, Sean has been offered a job working with the "mobile American corner" - the U.S. embassy bus that travels around to different schools. Because of this, I know that next year we'll have to reevaluate who does what and I'm okay with that. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm much more excited about learning how to make pizza dough than I am about cleaning the toilet.