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| Loni and I, opening our presentation |
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| Public speaking, not my favorite but a necessary part of the job |
In some sense, living abroad is a chance to start over; it's a clean slate with the freedom of re-inventing yourself if you so desire. For me, this freedom, though liberating, is also a little overwhelming and scary. I've come to find that living abroad magnifies exponentially even the tiniest struggles you were having back home. Lonely? Depressed? Anxious? Insecure? Unsure about the future? Going to another country is not going to solve any of that and in fact it's going to get worse before it gets better. Believe me.
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| Showing how we slow dance (completely foreign to Brazilian students) |
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| Modeling the country line dance "Boot Scootin' Boogie" |
This time, for me, I've been struggling with personal identity - something that I wasn't anticipating. I thought I was pretty solid about who I was and why I was coming here but that changed quickly when I was thrown in with a hierarchy/clique-crazed university, a very outgoing roommate and the fact that I'm following in the footsteps of two other much-loved American Fulbrighters who were ending their year here just a few months ago. The comparisons made by the students between Loni and me and between us and the previous ETAs are omnipresent and very vocal. Comparisons are natural but they can be hard to hear sometimes and they get old really fast. Really fast.
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| Loni in full country gear |
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| Me teaching the country line dance |
One thing that Loni and I have been trying to emphasize to our students and anyone else at the university is that though we are both American, we grew up in wildly different environments and thus carry with us almost a polar opposite set of ideals, perspectives and beliefs. Loni comes from a very diverse inner-city and I come from small town Midwestern America. She is more of a fan of Mexico than the States and has never dated/would never think of dating a gringo whereas I carry a lot of love and pride for my hometown and my country and I'm married to such a gringo. She is an ultra social person and disagrees with the church while I'm not so outgoing and religion is a big part of my life. I think an awareness of these differences is a valuable insight for the students to have but it can be a painful process to witness when you're on the other end of it.
The aforementioned differences were made extremely clear last night during our first cultural event at the university: "Music and Dance in the U.S.A." Loni and I each talked about three types of music and dance that we had experienced in our lives. For a few of the dances, the students participated and were able to learn the steps and the music. I talked about dancing at events like the Prom and Homecoming, community Dutch Dancing and country line dancing. Loni explained "grinding", the Cupid Shuffle, Chicken Noodle Soup, the original Harlem Shake as well as some Mexican-influenced dances. The presentation went well and it made me see that our differences can be an asset but it also felt a little bit like a competition.
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| Teaching the Cupid Shuffle |
I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not the cool/fun/crazy/outgoing ETA but rather someone else who I haven't really nailed down yet. It's hard to feel like we are not just in the middle of one giant popularity contest as all of our classes and events are completely optional. I'm finding myself asking questions like, "Why am I here?" "What can I uniquely and personally offer to this community of students?" "What routines and ideals are of top priority in my life here?" "How can I be social and meet people without going to late-night parties every single weekend?" "Where can I find the much-needed affirmation that who I am is ok without wishing I were more like someone else?" It goes on and on. Again, these are similar to questions I would ask myself at home but starting over in a new place puts them squarely in my field of vision and directly under a microscope.
I relayed some of these doubts to the student monitor of our program here. "I'm not sure I am the type of person the students were expecting when compared with last years' participants and my current partner." "Sarah," he said. "Don't worry. God made you the way you are for a reason." He's right, of course. Now I just have to find that reason.
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| Loni teaching Chicken Noodle Soup (Yeah, I didn't know what it was either - Google it) |
Awesome post! Self-reflection is great both in the classroom and outside of it... Don't forget, not all students want one type of teacher--more important than being "popular" is making a difference, even if it's only with one student.
I would feel the same as you there... like I was in a popularity contest, stuggling to be content with who I am and not trying to be like someone else. It's DEFINITELY a huge challenge, and I hope you are able to gain a lot from this experience. Hang in there! You really are awesome and have so much to offer.